Well this is the hardest post I have had to write so far. Since this is a blog about our journey, I will try to share what it feels like for us. There are three sides of the adoption triad… But I only know one intimately enough to write about it. I’ll leave it to others to share their stories. This is ours.
Part three of this story is the faith part. Remember how I said this season is a season of loss for us? While that is certainly true, it has a different dimension for me this year.
For the past two months, the scripture that has relentlessly embedded itself in my brain is in The Book of Mormon, 1 Nephi 11:17 “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”
I have also thought a great deal about the purpose of suffering, and why bad things happen to good people. Many people find comfort in believing that each test we are given in life is for a specific, planned lesson. For example, “I am going through this so that I can learn patience.” There isn’t anything wrong with that perspective, and for those who find peace in that concept, I am grateful they have it.
For me, I personally struggle with that, because I do not necessarily believe that every decision is master-planned. I do not believe that someone else’s choices were predestined so that we could learn a specific lesson. What I do believe is that Heavenly Father knows what choices we will make in this life because He knows us well. But HE does not instruct people to be violent, hurtful, or manipulative in order to teach someone a lesson on faith or hope. He allows His children to make their choices, and for those who are hurt as a result of someone else’s choices, He brings the healing.
So for me, I find comfort in knowing that I signed up for mortality. And mortality contains death, sickness, violence, neglect, and all manner of awful, dreadful things. I signed up for a mortal experience. And this heartbreak is part of the mortal experience.
The test for me is will I allow Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ to heal me? Will I turn to them when Mortality beats me down? Will I use them as my source of peace and comfort when Mortality deals a near-fatal blow? Will I not place the blame on them for the tests and trials of the Mortal experience, but will I instead allow them to be the solution? Will I allow Jesus to perform His role as Savior, and save me from Mortality?
And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.
We are in the wilderness. We are going to be hurt—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The test is… will we let Him be our Savior?
We have lost. His love will heal us.